Assumptions

You are walking down the street at night and come upon a house burning.  The fire is still small and has not engulfed the house yet.  There are people standing watching, others walking by.

You stop, standing next to a gentleman, lean over and enquire, “Has someone called 911?”  To which he replies, “I assume someone has, I have been standing here for a bit.”

So you stand there, watching the house burn wondering if anyone is inside, whether the fire trucks will arrive soon.

You sidle over to another person and ask, “Is there anyone inside?”  The woman responds, “I assume someone has checked, I live two streets over so I don’t know these people well.  Someone must be handling the situation.”

You stare quietly at the house, with the rest of the crowd, and watch the house as the fire grows.

You hear someone say, “I wonder when the fire fighters will get here.  I assume they will be here any moment, I assume they were called by someone a while ago.”

This scenario seems implausible and a bit melodramatic.  Perhaps it is. As I, like you, assume someone else would have called 911, someone else would know the people in the house and know who was there, someone else would have handled all the important details.

But what would happen if EVERYONE assumed someone else had handled the call, checked for inhabitants.  What would happen if we all stood there watching that house burn with its family inside.  When would it be too late to save them, or the house?

Who then would be responsible for the tragedy?  Who could have prevented the situation from going unheeded and been able to help stop it from going that far?  Is it fair to convince yourself that you are not partially responsible because you assumed, just like everyone else, that someone else would, should, could and were handling the situation?

Now you can argue these points, debating each on the merit of fact.  But in the end the family is dead, the house in ash and you are left to ponder, ‘Could I have done something to help?’

Often times in relationships we use the theory of assumptions to avoid actually having to deal with a situation.  ‘Someone’, that magical being, will do something, certainly.  Won’t they?

The other person will come to me if they want something.  The other person will tell me what it is they need, because I assume they know what that is and how to articulate it, and how to address it.  Then I can do exactly what they tell me and I then I will be of help.  Until then I will help by doing nothing, because I assume that must be what they want if they have not asked me for anything.

Convoluted?  Confusing?  Actually it may sound like a pile of emotional cooked spaghetti but it is rather simple.  There are risks involved in handling things, putting yourself out there and jumping in.  Some people can do that.  Others can’t.

Think of the burning house.  If I call 911 and 20 other people have called the emergency people will just be annoyed (assumption).  I can’t help anyone inside because I might get hurt, or see something that will be really upsetting to me.  Someone else will do it.  It is understandable to be afraid.  You might try and fail to help.

But if we are all afraid, and we handle each situation assuming someone else will handle it, will it ever be addressed?  Are you not ensuring failure if you do nothing?

There are many assumptions in relationships.  I recently was talking to someone about a situation that had occurred in their marriage.  The couple had had a row.

My friend said to me, ‘I went to her and asked what was wrong.  She said nothing. But it was obvious there was something wrong.  I didn’t know what to say or do. So I went down to my office and spent the day doing other things.  Now she is angry that she was left on her own to deal with the situation.’

‘Why did you leave her alone?  Why didn’t you do more?’ I prompted.

‘Well I didn’t know what to do.  I assumed she would come to me and tell me what she needed me to do.  I didn’t want to make her more upset.’ He countered.

‘So you assumed that SHE knew what to do and say then. You assumed she would have worked out what was needed, and then involved you.  You assumed she was capable of being emotionally okay and would express what the plan was to you.  What would she have needed you for if she could do all that?’

He stared at me blankly.

We assume that the other person can be what we are not.  That if we do not know what to do, they must.  Assuming if we do nothing then we are not causing more of a problem.  But what if that is exactly what we are doing?

Consider this.  What if by talking things through, we begin the process by which we can get to the bottom of things and develop a plan to handle the situation.  What if we don’t give up on the first pass?  What if we take a risk or two or ten?

Then perhaps, we leave behind the assumptions and the magical someones, and take action.  Large or small.  We address things with compassion instead of fear.  We work with those around us to see if we can save the family before the fire consumes the house.  And though we may come out the other side singed and tattered the fire will be extinguished before it destroys everything, including the people.

 

 

 

wasting time

As I struggle with maintaining a commitment to getting better and returning to where I used to be I realize that I need more in my life than he can ever give me.   I need to connect with someone on a deeper level rhan the friendship that we share.  Someone to fill the gap he leaves in my life.  

The inability​ to maintain a momentum ofnpositive interactions and the need to feel some good..love…in order to keep going.

I strive not to return to those places that I know that while comfortable are not a long term solution.  

Female Language

Female Language

My 20 Rules to the female language, sadly has taken a life time for many men to understand and few to have learned it early on.

#1… If you should find her looking at your mouth, then give her a breath stealing kiss.
#2… If she pushes you or hits you like a dummy, because she thinks she is stronger than you are. Fall down like a damn fool, just make sure when you do, and you have her in your arms, when she falls with you, but lands on you.
#3… When she starts to curse at you at you trying to act all tough, kiss her deeply, making her believe it and let her know just how much you love her.
#4… If she is quiet, go ahead and ask her what is wrong, and be ready to listen, truly listen when she tells you.
#5… When she ignores you, guess what she really isn’t, so pay her the attention she is longing from you.
#6… When she pulls away, pull her back and let her feel, she is being held by you.
#7… When she even thinks she looks her worst, stare into her eyes, truly get lost in your gaze of her and tell her how beautiful she truly is.
#8…  Should you see those tears, welling up in her eyes, take her firmly into your arms and hold her, and don’t say a thing until she does, just hold her.
#9… If she is walking either away from you or pass you, sneak up behind her and take her by the waist and give her a kiss on her neck.
#10… In those times that you see she is afraid, hold her gently and let her know how safe and protected she is with you.
#11… If one day you walk in to find her wearing some of your clothes, smile at her, trust me, she will read your face, and know that you know she was just missing you, so let her wear them. Oh and give her another reason to want to wear them again.
#12… Those times when she is teasing you, trying to get your attention. Stop what you’re doing and tease her back, hell end up on the floor tickling her, just make her laugh.
#13… When in those moments, when she doesn’t answer, or reply back to you in the time you think she should. Let her know everything will all be ok and that you can work it out together.
#14…
When she says that she loves you, know this to be true above all else, that woman, really does love you more than you will ever know.
#15… When she reaches out to grab your hand, and she will, take hold of hers, lock your fingers with her fingers and play with her fingers as well.
#16… Should she bump you, bump her back just be ready to catch her so she doesn’t fall, not unless like in rule (#2…) make sure she falls on top of you, then you can roll over on top of her.
#17… When that woman confides in you, telling you her hearts secrets, keep them safe, keep them secret. That means you are more than just a man there, you’re her friend.
#18… When those times happen that you catch her looking into your eyes, you can blink, but you dare not break that look until she does first. Get lost in her stare, like you would in yours of her.
#19… Oh when she says it’s over, it is never over until she is no longer there, so you damn bastards better fight for her, because that is what she wants from you.
#20… Repeat the 19 above, adding new ones everyday, as long as you are hers. Oh what you learn about her today, remember it tomorrow, she is keeping track.

Excerpt taken from source, from copied sources.  Original post unknown.  Please feel free to educate to its origin.  

“Still”

“Still”

I’ve been thinking ’bout tomorrow
Instead of drowning in the past
Oh we had good times even back when
Dreams were all we had to lastSo as I wake up this bright morning
Nothing’s gonna bring me down
Waves are singing, wind is borning
Summer’s here to stick around

I still, remember me before you
I will, no longer need your rescue
Since I still, remember me before you
I’m no fool
Tell ’em, I’m no fool
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh

It hit so clear, perfectly crystal
I’ve been here long enough to know
When to leave and when to tell you
Time has come to close the show

I still, remember me before you
I will, no longer need your rescue
Since I still, remember me before you
I’m no fool
Tell ’em, I’m no fool
I’m no fool
Tell ’em, I’m no fool
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh

Hey, I’m no fool
You need to know that I’m no fool
I am no fool
Baby, I’m no fool

Emotional Freedom and my journey to increase my EQ

He told me this morning that I have mood swings and that I should look at that.  So I did.  What is not seen to the naked eye is that it is not a mood swing, it is the façade trying to keep real me in a box inside.  The real me claws her way out now and then.  She yells and screams and cries out to be let free.  Begs to be loved in a way that makes her happy, begs for the chance to find a space and people to surround herself with that will not make her feel that she is so different, so wrong.

She is the one that is sexual, wanting, emotionally needy, fiery and wild.  The one that sees things before they happen and can envision the outcomes The one people like until they have to deal with her. The one whose creative side loves life and living it more than conforming.  So there it is, that revelation.  I did what he asked and there is it.  I just don’t know what I am supposed to do now that I realize that the real me can’t exist with him.

In my younger days the people who supposedly loved me did not understand me in the slightest.  They hurt me physically, emotionally.  They had control over me and I could not understand why people who say they love you, hurt you.  (Though I suppose I will never understand that, even IF it seems to be an accepted part of existence).

I spent most of my life holding on desperately to control everything about me, in me and around me so as to blend into the scenery, as my grandmother had instructed me.  Conform, assimilate, be who they need you to be,  adjust every aspect until you fit into their world.  A world you clearly don’t belong in, but its the only one there is.

I spent that same portion of my life looking for someone I could hand the control over to that wouldn’t hurt me. Condemn and ultimately desert me.  I am still looking….

And now, at the lowest point, I am about to embark on a journey to find a place for me, so often too late in action as I am, I am searching for my emotional freedom.  The stop feeling hopeless and negative and start enjoying the life I have left…

I am letting her out….ready or not….here she comes.